The Decision — Let's Have An Adventure

The thing about making decisions for a super extroverted verbal processor during a pandemic, is that it is really hard.

I need to talk things through. I need my crew to help me get in touch with my gut. As much as the gurus tell me to quiet myself to find my True North, I beg to differ. I need to get loud.

Last week, I thought we needed to choose between whether we stay or whether we go. Either we return to Tokyo by September 30th or not until after the Holidays. It felt so black and white. Either we choose Option A or Option B. And I did not know what the hell to do.

But thanks to DMs, phone calls, texts and a super solid backyard conversation our situation began to crystalize for me. I began to see the gray space in-between. The place where creative solutions lie.

At my core. At my deepest level of truth, this is what I knew:

1. Steve can not leave his Dad.

2. The boys and I can not leave Steve.

Those two facts provided a foundation for us.

Next came several heartfelt conversations with the boy’s amazing school in Tokyo. They declared that although Anders could not join his hybrid classroom virtually, he could be included in :30 min morning meetings indefinitely when his class was working from home. This would connect him to his class from a social perspective.

Then we enrolled Anders in a fully virtual 1st grade in Kansas City that starts after Labor Day, so he can keep up academically.

And finally, we connected with our incredibly gracious AirBnb host who is letting us rent her home by the week with promises that it is ours and only ours for as long as we need it.

So just like that, Anders is connected to his class in Tokyo, learning 1st grade basics in KC and doing it all from a home that feels like ours. And this is a pattern that we will hold until it is time to return.

It felt so good…until Monday.

Anders had his first call with ASIJ. He brushed his hair. Was all nerves and excitement at his new desk. We dialed in and he. was. so. bored. He felt disconnected. Unengaged. And as his teacher explained the plans for the kids for the day, Anders looked at me and asked, “Why am I listening to this, if I don’t have to do any of these things?” I didn’t have an answer. The call ended.

The boys went to brush their teeth. I went downstairs to grab a water cup and I bonked my elbow on the cabinet. It hurt bad. So bad that I dropped to the floor and started crying. And could not stop.

It all came rushing out. How much I wanted to be back in Tokyo. How much I hate that Anders had to watch class from a screen. How hard online school is. How lonely we all are. How at least Anders has this, but how Chase has nothing. How Steve’s Dad is dying. How much this sucks. How much this all just sucks.

But in that moment, the boys came down. And Chase brought me his blanket and made me magic potion. And Anders sat down next to me on the floor and grabbed my hand, intertwining his fingers in mine. And I explained why I was crying. And we talked about how we can do hard things but it doesn’t mean it isn’t really hard sometimes. And in that moment, with my boys now comforting me, I knew I wasn’t screwing it all up. I wasn’t screwing them all up.

Anders had his second call last night with ASIJ. He stayed on after the :30 min to join his music class too. We did a few assignments from that call today. His teacher is wonderful. And an Instagram post reminded me that every week won’t be like these first few weeks. Right now it is all about survival. And fuck - we are good at that.