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We are home.

After 7 months away, we are home.

Now, only now that we are finally in our sweet, sweet Japan can the dust settle.  Only now can I look back and see our time for what it was.  A Spring, Summer and touch of Fall filled with so much unknown and unsettledness and…It. Was. Beautiful.  A life really well lived.  I’m proud of us.  

While our time back in the states had a thick layer of tragedy always looming above, there were so many layers of brightness that broke through time and time again.  Here are the rays of light that will always stay with me:

We got to have real family conversations around life and cancer and death.  The boys got to witness the profoundness of it all, with their own eyes.  See how we are there for our family when they need us most.  See the sacrifices we make and how they don’t feel like sacrifices at all because our soul is at peace knowing we are exactly where we need to be. 

We got to say goodnight to Papa Don, head downstairs in our PJs and minutes later have Steve follow to hug us tight, having just held his father’s hand as he passed.  That’s as magic as a moment like that can be.  

We got to really spend time with Steve’s mom.  I like her.  A lot.  We are a lot alike.  I can see now, knowing her, why Steve likes me.

We got to be siblings, my kids and I, living at my parent’s house.  We got to do art projects with my Mom and listen to music with my Dad and get in trouble for leaving the back door open, time and time again.

We got to spend over seven uninterrupted months together.  Never in my life have I had time with my children like I just had.  Never in my life will we have time like that again.  We became best friends.  My kids know every lyric to every song they shouldn’t, know every Tic Tok dance they are way too young to know and have helped me make real impactful decisions based on the meaningful dialogues we had together.  They are funny.  They are kind.  They are resilient.  Of course I love them, but I really like them too.  

We got to make plans and cancel them and make plans again and it solidified for me that we really love adventure.  The change didn’t seem scary, it seemed like a welcome way to break up the routine.  New places equal new spaces to explore and my boys and I are expert playground hunters.  We like them empty and open and exciting.  And the bigger the tunnel slide the better! 

We got to fall in love with the great outdoors.  I have a newfound appreciation for what wide open spaces can do for the soul.  The ability to escape to a forest, a lake or a hiking trail saved us time and time again.  

We got to see who our real friends are.  To my Kansas City and Minneapolis tribe, thanks for letting us borrow all those toys, those park meet-ups and being the ones who helped make sense of it all.  I treasure you.  Although not hugging you and only seeing you 1/1000000000 of what I wanted to, still makes it feel like a mirage.  And to our Japan crew, thanks for welcoming us back with such humungously open arms.  Our hearts are so full.  

We got to see what makes us thrive.  I always felt a sense of purpose while we were gone because I am good during a crisis, at taking care of the details, of being in control.  I struggled with the puzzles I did, the fiction I read, the color by number I painted - as it all felt so self-indulgent.  I like podcasts that gives me knowledge to bestow, a plan that needs activation or driving an RV by myself 3 hours back to Oklahoma cause it helped Steve out.  

In fact, this summer I learned I am strong.  I can do hard things.  Like road-tripping alone with my boys for four days from North Carolina to Kansas during a pandemic. Like watching the person you love most in the world, watch the person they love most in the world leave us. Like preparing bulletproof documentation to ensure that when we came running across the border in slow-motion, like in an action movie sequence, as America explodes - we could land safely on our feet on the other side.  Negative COVID test in hand.  

So here we are.  With only one day left of our 14-day quarantine about to return to our lives.  (Well, the new COVID impacted version of our lives which I am still uncertain of how to navigate on this side of the globe).  My love and respect for Steve overwhelms me.  I’m so glad he chose to be by his parent’s side during this moment in time.  And I’m so glad that we chose to be right next to him.  As heartbreaking as this summer was, in the same breath, it was also as beautiful as life gets.