I'm Tired

We’ve been here almost 3 weeks now and I am exhausted.  America is a real bitch.  Competitive.  Tiring.  A lot. 

I tried so hard to land in a place that felt right for us.  I picked a specific school in a specific school district to give my kids the very best.  Anders is thriving.  Chase is dying.  In my hunt for a highly-ranked, super well-funded public school - Chase is now in a room with a lot of kids that have a lot of needs, with one young teacher trying her best.  After being in a private school bubble in Japan, I had no idea how deep this transition would cut.  Here we are trying our fucking hardest and feeling like we are fucking everything up.

I have been up at 4:00am to get the kids into YMCA camp before the site crashed.  I was an hour late to register for Adventures in Cardboard and am only on the waiting list, so I learned to survive here you have to go hard. I’m trying to figure out childcare to go back to work.  Kids Club is full.  After school activities are full.  Sports signups happened months ago.  Do we get an Au Pair?  A nanny?  The kids get off the bus at 2:40.  I need a plan.  

I have made every possible appointment for every single human and dog in this house.  I advocated for Chase so he now gets pulled out of class every day for his dyslexia. I got a new hot water heater, had Wifi installed after a ridiculous amount of dead-ends, got the garbage disposal fixed, volunteered at the school, arranged playdates, bought a shower curtain, met the neighbors, met a realtor, done countless loads of laundry, made sure everyone is taking Vitamin D, packed the backpacks, unpacked the backpacks, hung with new friends, hung with old friends, hung up art, took the dog out 10x but cleaned up his pee from the floor anyways, put away our things, but am still waiting on more.  That was yesterday.

And it’s a lot.

America is a lot.  It’s cold here.  It won’t stop snowing.  I miss my bike.  I miss my freedom of riding down hills.  I feel overwhelmed.  Taking care of everyone.  Of everything. 

It’s like a race.  Running as fast as I can, just to stay in the same spot.  Every day drowning in my “To Do” list.

I don’t understand why life here feels so much different than life there.  It’s the same.  My family is here.  I have a home.  I have friends.  But it just feels different.  My soul felt settled in Japan.  Quieter.  There is just so much more here.  I am overwhelmed by it.  

I don’t know if there is just more input.  Or the fact that Chase isn’t great.  Or that it’s just the beginning. It is just that I want everyone to be good and they are not, and when they aren’t good I feel like it is because I didn’t do it perfectly, and I want to do it perfectly so everyone can be settled NOW, so I can focus on me, so I can be the best version of myself, and I can’t do that until everyone is the best version of themself, but it isn’t happening fast enough and that sucks. 

Oh, is this the rollercoaster they referred to?  The rollercoaster of repatriation?  Got it.

So here I am.  Carving out time to write.  And sip warm tea.  And just breathe.  And accept that in this new version of my life, shit is messy.  Not Japan perfect.  America messy.  And that is ok. It’s ok.  It’s ok.  It’s a lot.  But ok…