The Trailing Spouse

I miss my job.

I do.

I miss my job.  I do.  It is hard to know yourself as one way for almost 20 years and for it to then stop.

One year ago, I thought it was an unbelievable dream to be able to travel with my children around the world and live this life.  And it is.  And it was.  But my brain is gasping for air.

I miss being challenged.  I miss leading.  I miss being surrounded by creative intelligent people every damn day for hours and hours.  

I love my boys more than life itself but when you spent years leading teams, it is crazy hard when they look you in the eye and challenge you like they do.  And interrupt you.  And spill granola all over your entire apartment even when you ask them not to.  Sometimes I am shocked by the audacity of it all.  I think to myself, don’t you know I had a VP title?  People do NOT talk to me like this. 

I love all the friends I have met here so much.  Like really love them.  And I have never had deeper connections with people faster, but I am literally running out of things to talk about.  I have nothing.  I feel like I am no longer interesting.  I am boring myself.  

Here are why list of go-to topics:

1. Where are you from?

2. When did you move here?

3. How long is your assignment?

4. Have you been to any new favorite places I need to check out?

5. Where have you traveled to lately?

6. Do you have any upcoming trips planned?

7. What are you doing this summer?

On Sunday I went to a party.  A party held by a new friend that owns a restaurant in town.  And the people invited weren’t moms in my circles. I went through the list above and then felt a hault.  I didn’t have anything else to say.  They had jobs.  I didn't.  I honestly felt ashamed and like an outsider.  Pathetic, but true. The title of a Trailing Spouse is just gross sometimes.  

I know I am living the dream.  The reality is sometimes, I miss the life I had, because my career was how I defined myself for so long - and it is really hard sometimes to figure out who you are when you take that one huge piece away.  

I miss being the best me.  I miss being smart.  I miss worrying about things that don’t matter but do.  I miss getting dressed in real clothes every morning with the chance that someone might compliment me.  I miss being charming, strategic and my best self.  

I miss it.  I do.  

So my challenge over the next handful of months, is to find a way to no longer bore myself.  And to begin to sharpen my brain once again. To take some courses to get smarter.  To feed not just my mom self, but my professional self - so I feel whole once again.   I want it all.  This momma needs to be more than just a momma.  I need to be me.